As I’ve said earlier, my life has changed a lot since I got my hair cut. It is extremely short now and that’s exactly why it’s made such a huge revolution.
Recently, I began to realize that people’s perception of me has changed. Now, I get misgendered many times, at stores, banks. I get misgendered by my parents’ friends, people who do know me. My clothing hasn’t changed (I tend to wear neutral clothes), my voice hasn’t changed. Just the hair.
And all that made me think about my presentation, my appearence as a whole. When I had long(er) hair, when I was more “feminine”, I did not feel good. I felt like I was in the wrong place, like I was… ugly. Yeah, that’s the word. Ugly. I couldn’t fit into that model, I was always concerned about everything in my appearence, I got anxious about it very often. Stressed, I could say.
Now that I am more “masculine”, I feel extremely attractive, I don’t know why. I am concerned about my looks, of course, but not in a negative way. In a good way. In an awesome way! I think I even love myself more! And I feel so strong that the fact that people are misgendering me doesn’t bother me at all.
I guess I’ve always been a butch woman. People’s prejudice (racism and homophobia) made me hide myself for so long… but not anymore.
The only thing that makes me sad about it is my parents’ reaction. They supported my “getting my hair cut”, but they didn’t see this misgendering thing coming and I’ve noticed they feel much uncomfortable. They’ve started to ask me when I am going to let the hair grow again, when I will start dressing in a more feminine way. I never know what to respond. I don’t want to disappoint them, but I don’t want to go back to being an unhappy-long-haired-person.
Why does coming out have to be so hard?