Sorry, I’m about to break your heart

I start out saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but I can’t go on with this. I feel like I’m fooling you, and that’s not good. It’s terrible.

When we met, I had no idea we’d get to this. I was just looking to get to know someone new, to see how things went, slowly natural with time. I didn’t know you’d fall for me so fast and so hard. I couldn’t predict it. It never came into my mind, to be more precise.

But you did.

In my defense, I say I didn’t feed your urge for passion. We spoke, I told you funny jokes, we laughed, we told each other childhood stories. No big deal. I didn’t present myself in a way to seduce you on purpose. I did it as I do with everyone I get to meet, I just tried to be nice, funny. Cool. No seduction or anything intended.

So, when you told me you’d fallen in love, after I thought “Oh, how lovely”, I kind of panicked. I wondered why you felt this way, as we don’t know each other very well, and to be honest, our dates didn’t give me this sign. You asked to be my girlfriend, I panicked even more.

Please, please, before you start hatin’ on me, try to see it through my point of view: out of nowhere, I became almost someone’s world (as you yourself said it), I became “the most pleasurable moments in someone’s life”, I became your teenage dream. It wasn’t something built with time, with my intentional participation. It was delivered to me and I didn’t ask for the pizza. Get it?

I worry because I don’t want to disappoint you. If we had had the time to build a relationship, you’d know my flaws, my fears, my hopes, my dreams. You would be falling in love with Me. The whole me. I’d be certain of your feelings. Of my own feelings as well. But you fell knowing none of these.

Lies on my shoulders the responsibility to keep up with your expectations and I’m sorry but I don’t think I can do it.

Yeah… I think I’m about to break your heart. Oh, I never thought I’d say it, I’d write it. Never pictured the situation in which I let someone down this way. Know that it breaks my own heart as well, I feel bad doing this. However, no other choice comes up to me. No other option that can do good to both of us.

I hope with all my heart that you’ll find someone to love and who’ll love you back. You’re a great person, you deserve it.

Regards,

Your Ex-Future Girlfriend

Time traveling

If there’s one thing that inhabits my thoughts whenever I daydream is time travel. In all of its forms, of course.

Time traveling isn’t just about one of the greatest challenges to the Laws of Physics. Well, I believe it can be even simpler than that, given the fact that we almost don’t experience “present” as our senses can only process things that have happened at least, I don’t know, a few femtoseconds before. But let’s not go that far. Even with our simple notion of past, we have to agree that past events are crucial to our present and future. Therefore, we are always looking at the past. So, we are always time-traveling.

But sometimes, there are parts of our past we’d rather not look at. We’d rather forget their existence. In my experience, we may do that, but there’ll always be a time this past returns somehow. It’s happening to me now.

I’ve got a Reunion to go. I’ll meet some of my High School classmates – the ones I considered friends. And I’m scared.

I’m scared because that time was one of the hardest for me. I hid from everyone my true self, my thoughts, emotions, because I was terrified. What if they found out? What would they think of me? I was trying to be a girly girl, trying to fit in. I felt terrible. Will meeting them bring back all these feelings?

I’m scared because I’ve changed. Both mentally and physicly. They will obviously notice the latest. Will I have to explain these changes? And if so, how will I do it? How can I do it? How will they react?

The true point is that, for me, it’s like my today self meeting their past selves. ‘Cause maybe, for me, they haven’t changed. I’ve only felt time go by in my own life, I know little about theirs.

I guess I should try not to think of it this way.

I should force myself to believe they have changed as well. That their past selves are as much gone as my sorrow. That we’ve all grown. Yes, we’ve all grown. And I must be true to myself. Always.

A Letter To My Possible Future Girlfriend

Hello,

I want to start here apologizing for being so cold. Ok, kind of cold. I want to apologize for talking too much about various subjects without stopping, and maybe not letting you say things yourself. It’s just that… this has never happened to me.

This flirting, dating thing. It’s never happened, I swear. Yeah, I know I may be a little old to say it, but this is the naked truth. I used to be a very complicated person in the past, I’m not going to detail those things right now, but this is… way too new to me.

I get a bit nervous when I’m around you, but I know you freak out when you’re near me. What is this so much special thing you saw in me that makes you feel this way? Is it the way I look? My behavior? I don’t know.

In fact, I have absolutely no idea of why you fell in love with me, as you yourself said it, so fast. I mean, it was really fast… Even though I’m aware of the fact that I have no experience in relationships in general, I’m pretty sure this is the fastest I’ve seen someone fall for another. And this is a bit… how can I put it?… scary to me. I confess I’m little lost.

It’s not that I don’t like you, I do, really do. For real. But it’s just too much for me to hear you say you’ve fallen in love with me… I don’t know… We’ve had only a few dates so far. Things are going nice, at least they were…

Please, don’t think of me as a jerk who doesn’t care about your feelings! I do care! That’s why I’m getting the courage to, the next time I see you, tell you we perhaps should continue to take things slow. See, I’m still learning, I’m still on the first steps. We have time to get to know each other better, to bond. Let’s not rush things, ok?

Well, I’m here wondering if you’ll understand…


Hello, dear readers!

I’ve been away for a few days because I had many tests these past weeks. I’m planning on posting the last texts I wrote for Writing 101 and some posts about  my views on Brazilian politics.

See you soon,

Maria.

‘Take Me Out’

Yesterday was free-writing day (I’m sorry I’m late) and I want to talk about something I rarely talk about in my life: flirting.

I’m far from being good at it, as I didn’t practice it much in the past. Introversion, shyness and my discomfort about my appearance (which is finally over :D) have stopped me from acting on my feelings towards the people I liked.

However, recently I noticed this really cute friend of mine was kind of flirting with me (maybe my (new) butch style made me more attractive) and, the thing is, I faced my fears and responded. So, I have a date coming up, but I still feel a bit insecure about how to behave, what to do, things like that.

So, I ask you, my dear readers: do you have any advice to share about dating, flirting, romantic relationships in general?

I Stepped Outside Five Months Ago

Hello, everyone!

Today is kind of my anniversary. It’s been five months since I shaved my head! Five months since I “came out” as butch. And I have to tell you what an amazing experience it’s been.

When I started this blog, my main goal was to talk about my country. However, writing unlocked all these emotions I had inside, I felt these immense need to let them out and ended up talking more about myself. And it turned out to be my first official post, in which I talked about my hair, reflecting the unsatisfaction I had with my appearance. I got to the conclusion that I only presented myself that way (long straight hair and feminine look) because I wanted to fit in. And it was making my life miserable.

So, I decided to shave my head, end the “long hair” Era. I thought a lot and, two months later, I did it, even having no idea of what would come next. That triggered my letting my inner butch out, finally.

In these past five months, I began to take care of myself: I became an athlete, I’m on a “diet”(cutting down on a few things). I communicate better with people (both online and offline – something I thought would be hard to do). Why? Because now I feel much more comfortable in my own skin!

So cheers to that!

And I also want to thank all of my readers for following this process!

A Letter to Every Stranger Who Meets Me

Hello,

In case you’re wondering, I know exactly what crosses your mind as I approach you: “Is that a man or a woman?”.

I know the anxiety you feel, especially if you have to initiate a conversation with me: maybe you’re a clerk at a store I just entered, or you’re my doctor’s secretary, something like that. Your head melts. Should you call me sir ou ma’am? You get extremely confused because you have just a few seconds to decide, as I walk fast towards you, or I start shopping and it’s your job to offer help to your costumers.

I notice the discomfort I cause on some of you who aren’t familiar with people like me. I see the look in your eyes, some of you showing disgust, others just staring, trying to realize my gender and make assumptions about me.

Some of you decide to deny me service or to pretend you didn’t see this “weird-looking” costumer enter your store. Maybe you think I’m a sinner.

Well, I can tell all of that and much more.

I learned in the past few months what it means to suddenly become visible. Before, when I had long hair, people didn’t stare at me as much. Much fewer clerks denied me service. I was just one in millions. My presence anywhere didn’t mean I was making a political statement and people weren’t so aware of it.

But do you, dear stranger, think my life was easier? Perhaps you do. Perhaps you believe that all of those feelings I cause on many strangers I happen to encounter every day affect me more than having to live with an appearance I felt uncomfortable with.

Turns out it wasn’t.

Having to deal with your prejudices, your wonderings about who I am or what I am and your insecurities about how to treat me is far easier than looking at the mirror and seeing someone else. And it’s not hard to imagine: I guess everyone went or will go through a phase in which they didn’t feel comfortable with something about them.

Just think about when that happened to you and you’ll know how I felt.

So, I ask you: Before you freak out if you have to talk to me in any way, just remember that I am a human being just like you. I don’t care if you call me ma’am or sir (though some people who are like me may feel uncomfortable with this, I’m not. If you later realize somehow I am a ma’am and you called me sir, just apologize and move on!), I just want to be well treated, like everyone else. Before awkwardly staring at me or denying me service, think about how you would feel if someone did that to you.

Respecting people is not that hard. Try it!

Respectfully,

Maria.