Sorry, I’m about to break your heart

I start out saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry, but I can’t go on with this. I feel like I’m fooling you, and that’s not good. It’s terrible.

When we met, I had no idea we’d get to this. I was just looking to get to know someone new, to see how things went, slowly natural with time. I didn’t know you’d fall for me so fast and so hard. I couldn’t predict it. It never came into my mind, to be more precise.

But you did.

In my defense, I say I didn’t feed your urge for passion. We spoke, I told you funny jokes, we laughed, we told each other childhood stories. No big deal. I didn’t present myself in a way to seduce you on purpose. I did it as I do with everyone I get to meet, I just tried to be nice, funny. Cool. No seduction or anything intended.

So, when you told me you’d fallen in love, after I thought “Oh, how lovely”, I kind of panicked. I wondered why you felt this way, as we don’t know each other very well, and to be honest, our dates didn’t give me this sign. You asked to be my girlfriend, I panicked even more.

Please, please, before you start hatin’ on me, try to see it through my point of view: out of nowhere, I became almost someone’s world (as you yourself said it), I became “the most pleasurable moments in someone’s life”, I became your teenage dream. It wasn’t something built with time, with my intentional participation. It was delivered to me and I didn’t ask for the pizza. Get it?

I worry because I don’t want to disappoint you. If we had had the time to build a relationship, you’d know my flaws, my fears, my hopes, my dreams. You would be falling in love with Me. The whole me. I’d be certain of your feelings. Of my own feelings as well. But you fell knowing none of these.

Lies on my shoulders the responsibility to keep up with your expectations and I’m sorry but I don’t think I can do it.

Yeah… I think I’m about to break your heart. Oh, I never thought I’d say it, I’d write it. Never pictured the situation in which I let someone down this way. Know that it breaks my own heart as well, I feel bad doing this. However, no other choice comes up to me. No other option that can do good to both of us.

I hope with all my heart that you’ll find someone to love and who’ll love you back. You’re a great person, you deserve it.

Regards,

Your Ex-Future Girlfriend

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A Letter To My Possible Future Girlfriend

Hello,

I want to start here apologizing for being so cold. Ok, kind of cold. I want to apologize for talking too much about various subjects without stopping, and maybe not letting you say things yourself. It’s just that… this has never happened to me.

This flirting, dating thing. It’s never happened, I swear. Yeah, I know I may be a little old to say it, but this is the naked truth. I used to be a very complicated person in the past, I’m not going to detail those things right now, but this is… way too new to me.

I get a bit nervous when I’m around you, but I know you freak out when you’re near me. What is this so much special thing you saw in me that makes you feel this way? Is it the way I look? My behavior? I don’t know.

In fact, I have absolutely no idea of why you fell in love with me, as you yourself said it, so fast. I mean, it was really fast… Even though I’m aware of the fact that I have no experience in relationships in general, I’m pretty sure this is the fastest I’ve seen someone fall for another. And this is a bit… how can I put it?… scary to me. I confess I’m little lost.

It’s not that I don’t like you, I do, really do. For real. But it’s just too much for me to hear you say you’ve fallen in love with me… I don’t know… We’ve had only a few dates so far. Things are going nice, at least they were…

Please, don’t think of me as a jerk who doesn’t care about your feelings! I do care! That’s why I’m getting the courage to, the next time I see you, tell you we perhaps should continue to take things slow. See, I’m still learning, I’m still on the first steps. We have time to get to know each other better, to bond. Let’s not rush things, ok?

Well, I’m here wondering if you’ll understand…


Hello, dear readers!

I’ve been away for a few days because I had many tests these past weeks. I’m planning on posting the last texts I wrote for Writing 101 and some posts about  my views on Brazilian politics.

See you soon,

Maria.

You Drove Me Wild

When I think of you, I think of your skin. Your amazing soft skin. I never had the chance to touch it, but I know it is soft, comfortable. Just like I imagine your lips to be.

I never told you how much I was in love with you and even though I know you probably won’t read this, I am finally going to confess it.

I was incredibly in love with you.

I remember the very first time I saw you. 2007, summer was off, my first day back to school. I’d been sitting on my desk waiting for the teacher to arrive when you walked into the classroom.

I was in shock because that was the very first time I actually thought of someone in a romantic way. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. Can you imagine what that was like for me? A shy and introverted girl, who could only think about science, books and indie music, who had never thought about any romantic thing happening to her, suddenly finds herself in love.

I was so scared! I was afraid of everyone, especially you. What if you found out? I knew I would never have a shot, I thought you were way out of my league. So I kept it in. I kept my passion inside and decided I would never say anything.

Everytime you were near me, I started sweating a lot, shaking, my heartbeat got fast and furious. Everytime you spoke to me, my mind froze, I couldn’t think right and ended up saying things that didn’t make sense. And after those moments, I felt guilt and shame for being so weird, so different, so weak.

It lasted five years. During the fifth year, I finally convinced myself that: I. Nothing was ever going to happen. II. It was making me feel bad. So I made myself get over you.

Years passed, I moved to one place, you moved to another. We’re building our destinies in separate ways and gosh… It’s been a lot of time since I last saw you!

However, in my memory, you will always be my first crush. The first person who made me wonder about how nice dating would be. Hugging, touching, kissing. Being together.

Thank you for that.

Yeah, you carried romance in the palm of your hand, you drove me wild.

(Post inspired by Drove me Wild, by Tegan and Sara and by the Daily Post’s Opening Lines)

You are so beautiful

“I love you so much”, “You are so beautiful”. I never expected to hear these words.

But I did.

I heard them. And, as the words came out of her mouth, they were transformed into honey. Or flowers. Or sea’s sound. Or anything beautiful, peaceful.

How life changes when we feel accepted, loved and celebrated for who we are! It can cure sadness and give us strength to continue our journey in this crazy little world.

Let’s analyze!

In this case, “You are so beautiful” means “I think you look good the way you do, I love you and I will be here for you if you need me. Keep on being brave. Keep on being who you are.”

There is one person who supports the other fully and wants them to be happy no matter what. And this person, for sure, is making a difference in the other’s life. Pretty much it.

Isn’t it incredible that such short sentences can mean so much? As I said earlier, language is art and elegance is blessing. Well, now I’ve learned that love and support are also blessing. And I couldn’t be happier for them.

Want to know what was my response to that? A smile. A huge smile. And an immense feeling of gratitude.

Love is so simple!

I leave you with U2’s Ordinary Love. See you soon.